It’s been a couple months since our last update on Hollywood’s premiere power couple, but the curious case of the celebrity multimillionaires with six children from four continents continues to be the most chaotic celebrity divorce since, well...Brad and Angelina’s previous breakups.
Celebrity gossip is like a drug addiction.
It starts at a party, innocently sampling scandals and passing around amatuer judgments throughout the night. But before you know it, you’re a regular contributor to the National Enquirer.
We want to remind ourselves (and our readers) that healthy celebrity gossip is about comparing the hyperbole of rich and dramatic lifestyles to the tedium of our own lives, to remind us that things really aren’t that bad.
Doesn’t it seem like the only images of celebrities off the red carpet depict them walking through the park in sweatpants and a wrinkled tee shirt with adorably overpriced purebreds?
It’s so cute it almost makes us feel bad for unearthing their worst moments with a sprinkling of witticisms and sarcasm.
Combining love and law goes back thousands of years, so there’s plenty of precedence for all the awful stuff that mixture has made us suffer through.
Women didn’t even get to say “yes” to engagements or “I do” to vows until 1140 AD. And now sobriety is required for unions to be legal? Come on.
There’s a rumor going around that attorneys don’t have the best reputation when it comes to personal injury lawsuits. Something about us chasing ambulances with dollar signs flashing in our eyes. And to that, our honored reader, we must respectfully object.
The average monthly salary in the Evergreen State hovers around $4,800, with the minimum wage providing approximately $1,600 per month to teenagers dipping their toes into the muddy depths of taxes.
That’s not enough to qualify for a refund, so most teenagers receive parental support in the form of a hand-me-down Dodge Neon and a few bits of wisdom re: courtship and daily survival.
Just the other day, the partners were passing the time with one of our favorite lunchtime activities: playing devil’s advocate for some of Hollywood’s most dramatic legal cases.
Doing so made us realize just how absurd 2016 has been thus far, and we started ranking our favorite courtroom appearances by celebrities from the past year.
In America, the land of the free, we have more than one TV show dedicated solely to people shouting at each other over paternity tests.
Contrast this with the atrocity that is the most recent book-to-film adaptation of a Helen Fielding story, wherein two rich and dashing gentlemen wait nine whole months to find out who is the father of the frumpy protagonist’s child.
We may not be math teachers, but by our arithmetic, combining the ages of Brad and Angelina’s interracial flock of seagulls totals 64. And if these two stars were trying to settle custody over one sexagenarian, that would be...like...way easier than their current situation.
“...my participation in activities and/or use of such equipment may result in injury or illness including, but not limited to, injury, disease, fractures, partial and/or total paralysis, death.”
Sign me up for some of that!
Deriding the ridiculous language of liability waivers is a dinner table favorite, but are these forms really the get-out-of-jail-free card that we think they are? We’d love to don our powdered wigs and shout at you in Latin about the intricacies of legal liability, but we’ve promised Hollywood mockery here so Hollywood mockery is what you're gonna get.