In our law offices in Kent, WA, we get plenty of questions like, “How do I file for divorce?”, “What happens to my kids?” and “Who gets the dishwasher?” But oddly enough, no one ever asks, “Should I get back with my ex?” Probably because even we ourselves don’t have a simple legal answer for that one.
So, should you rekindle an old flame? Was the divorce a momentary lapse in judgment? If these questions are keeping you up at night, there are a few others you should ask yourself first (and maybe a very patient friend).
And if the first thing that comes to mind when you hear “Should I get back with my ex?” is Bennifer, Hollywood’s favorite reunion saga, hear us out.
“Is nostalgia clouding my judgment?”
Married couples divorce for a variety of reasons — incompatibility, lack of connection, infidelity, financial issues, and the classic “we should have never gotten married in the first place.” With all that in mind, getting back with an ex isn’t always the wisest move. Because look, you’ve already been through asset division, child custody battles, and so many trips and calls to the attorney’s offices. Why risk it all again?
We could throw statistics at you about the success rate of rekindled relationships, such as this one:
60% of people in a divorce process may be open to reconciliation
But let’s be honest — when has a statistic ever changed someone’s mind about love?
Nevertheless, not all reconciliations are doomed. Some couples truly needed a wake-up call, and once they got it, they made it work. The question is: Are you one of those couples, or are you about to walk into the same burning building, hoping this time the fire won’t hurt?
Related reading: Divorce regret: What it is, how it happens, and why it’s more complicated than either marriage or divorce
“Have either of us actually changed?”
If your ex was the problem (bad habits, emotional immaturity, an allergy to commitment), have they changed? More importantly, if you were the problem, have you changed? If neither of you has evolved in any meaningful way, then all you’re doing is stepping back into the same mess, but with the added bonus of déjà vu.
Maybe your ex has remained in the same job, the same routine, the same everything, but they’ve started therapy or shown emotional maturity. That’s promising. But unless something fundamental has shifted, don’t expect a different outcome this time around.
“Why did we break up in the first place?”
If you’re already texting your ex, reminiscing about the “good times,” take a moment to remember why you broke up. Was it infidelity? Irreconcilable differences? Their refusal to replace the toilet paper roll? (Okay, maybe that last one is forgivable — maybe.)
It’s easy to romanticize the past, especially when you’re lonely. But if the reasons for your breakup were serious, don’t trick yourself into thinking they’ve magically disappeared. Spoiler alert: They most likely didn't.
“Will I have to give up my newfound freedom?”
One of the underrated perks of divorce is the freedom that comes with it. No more in-laws to impress, no more compromising on where to eat, and full control over the TV remote. Getting back together means giving up at least some of that autonomy. Are you ready for that?
Perhaps your post-divorce life is fulfilling and drama-free, and if so, ask yourself if jumping back into a relationship with an ex is worth the risk. If the answer is anything less than an enthusiastic “yes,” consider keeping things as they are.
“Have I learned my lesson?”
If your breakup felt like an emotional hurricane, what did you learn from it? Because if the answer is “nothing,” then you’re setting yourself up for another disaster.
Think about it — if the issues that ended your relationship still exist, history will repeat itself. Growth and self-awareness are nonnegotiable if you want any shot at success this time around.
Ask yourself the hard questions (before you ask us for legal help)
Truth be told, you don’t need a lawyer’s approval before reconnecting with an ex, unless that ex still owes you alimony. But if you’ve done the soul-searching and truly believe that getting back together is the right move, go forth with caution (and maybe a prenuptial agreement).
And if it all goes south again? Well, at least you’ll know who to call: Washington State family law attorneys LaGrandeur & Williams.