The only people who can get away with blaming their mistakes on God are celebrities.
Are you unhappy about the 15 bucks you spent on Transformers 5: More CGI? Too bad, Mark Wahlberg credits the big man upstairs for his success.
Would you give anything for Reba to be banned from television? You’re going to be up against McEntire’s faith on that quest.
A car accident is a lot more serious than an awful blockbuster, and a jury is much less forgiving than the Academy. Keep that in mind before name-dropping J-Man in your legal defense; it usually doesn’t go over well.
“Thou shalt...mildly harm Walmart!”
In the spring of 2016, a South Carolina resident heralded the breaking of the six seals, the coming of the antichrist, and the end of all things.
Crystal Marshall belted out her prophecy from the driver’s-side window of a 2007 Ford Focus before ramming it through the front door of a suburban Walmart.
When the police arrived, Ms. Marshall was screaming “God told me to do it!”
On the one hand, a total lack of evidence of the Almighty’s involvement meant she was stuck with a $1,000 bill for structural damage caused by her motor vehicle.
On the other hand, Charlotte was wrong about locusts the size of horses with the power of scorpions torturing everyone for five straight months. So it seems as though everyone came out ahead.
Not everyone who blames God for their vehicular destruction is a raving lunatic though. Just a few months after Ms. Marshall’s raptureless joyride, Ruqiyyah Abdur-Raqeeb-Sadiq slowly and blindly rolled through a stop sign, over a curb, and into the side of a house.
She did so because she was entranced in a driver’s-seat prayer.
No one was physically injured, but Ruqiyyah certainly couldn’t pray herself out of a lawsuit. She was charged with reckless driving and found liable for the property damage her conversation with God caused.
Someone took the wheel, and it wasn’t Jesus
Sadly, some praying-while-driving stories extend beyond structural damage and into the realm of personal injuries. Such as when Prionda Hill ran over a motorcyclist because, “out of nowhere God told [me] He would take it from here and [I] let go of the wheel.”
It’s possible the Holy Ghost was distracted from taking over by a faithful follower pleading to be saved from an oncoming driver whose hands weren’t on the wheel. And just so we’re clear, the distracted divinity is conjecture, the motorcyclist’s prayer was confirmed by police.
The motorcyclist survived being run over by 3,500lbs of soulless metal and Prionda went to court for reckless driving and criminal mischief. So it’s pretty clear when road praying is OK and when it isn’t:
When a Honda is bearing down on ya,
But when you start your car, driving near or far...
Keep your eyes open, hands at 10 and 2 and for God’s sake pay attention!
Religious road rage
The first half of the Bible is a long list of stuff you shouldn’t do and how God punished those who did those things. The second half adds some new no-nos, but is mostly about a humble woodworker preaching love, forgiveness, and patience.
Michael Schwab clearly never got to the second half.
Back in 2008, Saint Schwab noticed a woman who -- in his words -- “was not driving like a Christian.” From his perspective, “It was Jesus' will for him to punish the car.”
Michael unleashed his Old Testament wrath by allegedly accelerating to 100mph and ramming into the heathen’s car (side note: neither driver was seriously injured, so maybe Michael missed the commandment about bearing a false witness against thy neighbor?).
Schwab appeared before a less-than-omnipotent judge to face charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, and we’ll wager this month’s tithe money that the result lacked some of that New-Testament forgiveness.
Our team has decades of experience lawyering all over the Seattle area, and we can say with confidence: If you want to win the lottery call on Jesus, if you want to win a lawsuit call your friendly Buckingham, LaGrandeur & Williams attorneys.