4 Celebrities who learned firsthand that kids are not cheaper by the dozen

4 Celebrities who learned firsthand that kids are not cheaper by the dozen

Most lawyers, regardless of what type of cases they handle, charge either by the hour or on a monthly flat fee. But based on the family planning practices of some celebrities, you might think there was some sort of bulk service deal.

We’ve previously written about Charlie Chaplin’s family troubles in the courtroom, but even with his 11 children, his brood can’t compete with the families on this list. Whether it’s paternity suits, child custody or child support, “mo’ kids, mo’ problems” seems to be the mantra for celebrity parents.

Dog the Bounty Hunter

Duane Lee Chapman, the reality TV star who tried to make “bail enforcement” seem cool, has 12 offspring with five wives and a handful of girlfriends. And if Mr. Dog’s story of how he got his start is to be believed, his very first child is responsible for his success.

While serving a year-and-a-half in prison for his part in a homicide, Duane’s first wife divorced him and sued for child support. The judge even went so far as to order DBH to pay support for the time he already spent in prison.

Dog’s response? “No.” (As lawyers, we don’t recommend this tactic...especially for recently released convicts).

Apparently he drew the softy judge, because Dog got his first bounty that day. The magistrate pointed to a picture from another case and said “If you find [this kid], I'll pay $200 of your child support myself.”

Who would’ve thought a simple legal compromise could lead to 193 episodes of an oversized man with a mullet knocking on doors and barking, “Have you seen this guy!?”

Mia Farrow

Actress and noted humanitarian Mia Farrow has 14 children, ten of whom are adopted. The sordid details of the child custody dispute between her and Woody Allen loom over any discussion about Mia’s family, but there is one unanswered question about the couple’s only biological child: Is Woody actually Ronan Farrow’s father?

Despite a number of paternal claims made under oath by Mia that resulted in child support payments by Mr. Allen, Ms. Farrow revealed in an interview years later that Ronan may in fact be the result of an extramarital affair with her ex husband -- Frank Sinatra.

Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn.

Even though Swoonatra passed away in 1998, a simple DNA test could compare samples from Woody and his alleged son to get to the bottom of the scandal.

According to Ronan, “I grew up in a family with ten adopted siblings; if anything, I consider it an insult to them to obsess too much over the question of genetic provenance. I get a kick out of it, everyone gets a kick out of it. Let’s move onto the substance.”

If you’re looking for someone to blame for this unsolvable mystery, it lies squarely with the most mature person named in this entire article: a 25-year-old lawyer who managed to weather unprecedented scandal almost totally unscathed.

Earl Simmons

Don’t recognize the name? How about Dark Man X? Still no? Fine, the rapper best known as DMX is no stranger to the courtroom. He’s been arrested at least a dozen times, and on two of those occasions was served paternity papers as he left the courthouse.

You read that right -- twice. Both times in front of the same courthouse actually.

I guess when you have 15 kids with several women, something like that happening just boils down to sheer probability.

In 2015, DMX accomplished something we rarely see here in Renton. Usually, when child support goes unpaid, the parent at fault is given a warning and threatened with an arrest. But seeing as arrests have never stopped him before, Mr. Simmons called his baby momma’s bluff.

Every time an attorney pokes fun at family law, we like to remind them, we’re responsible for the arrest of one of the most gangster rappers of the 20th century.

Marlon Brando

The Godfather was once quoted off camera saying, “Privacy is not something I’m merely entitled to, it’s an absolute prerequisite.” Well, sorry Brando, as family lawyers with a blog and clients thirsty for celebrity trivia -- we respectfully disagree!

Marlon Brando was father to 16...ish children. Because if rumors are to be believed, he secretly sired a 17th child who went on to be Courtney Love’s mother.

But somehow a secret love child still doesn’t rank as the Brando family’s most dramatic legal moment. Nope, that award goes to his 12-year custody battle over his oldest son, Christian. In fact, the legal circus lacked so much of the Godfather’s precious privacy that 56-year-old newspaper clippings documenting their public physical altercations and spousal espionage are still floating around today.

Thanks internet!

We may not offer a “Jon & Kate” bulk discount when you need to take your abnormally large family to court, but we can promise the most capable and compassionate legal advice in Renton. To find out more, give us a call today.