Machine Guns, Yachts, and Nannies: HGTV’s marriage melodrama exists to make you proud of your divorce

Machine Guns, Yachts, and Nannies: HGTV’s marriage melodrama exists to make you proud of your divorce

Celebrity gossip is like a drug addiction.

It starts at a party, innocently sampling scandals and passing around amatuer judgments throughout the night. But before you know it, you’re a regular contributor to the National Enquirer.

We want to remind ourselves (and our readers) that healthy celebrity gossip is about comparing the hyperbole of rich and dramatic lifestyles to the tedium of our own lives, to remind us that things really aren’t that bad.

So if it’s catharsis you’re looking for, buckle up, because the real life story of Home and Garden TV’s Flip or Flop divorce drama packs more punch than a Telemundo soap opera.

This is America -- so of course it started with a cache of guns and a reality TV couple

Married real estate agents Christina and Tarek El Moussa, stars of a reality TV production that followed them as they flipped homes in Southern California, gained fame partly because their relationship seemed different from most celebrity marriages.

But starting last summer and continuing through the writing of this article, their very public relationship snowballed from a Leave-It-to-Beaver fantasy into more of a Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren situation.

The first indication that things weren’t all sunshines and rainbows was when a contractor working on the neighbor’s house called 9-1-1 regarding a fight and “a male with a gun” at the El Moussa property.

It didn’t take police long to find Christina’s “better half” brandishing a pistol in the woods behind their home -- suspiciously claiming he brought it to protect himself from Orange County’s ferocious suburban wildlife.

After the event was peacefully resolved, and cops confiscated an armful of guns from the couple’s home (including an AR-15), and Tarek and Christina announced they would separate while they “...continue to work through this process civilly and cooperatively, [while maintaining] our professional life together."

Betcha regret skipping the pre-nup now, huh?

Right around the launch of the seventh season of Flip or Flop, details emerged about the state of the El Moussa household. The two co-hosts had formally begun the process of splitting the family assets -- including a 50-foot yacht docked in Newport Beach -- and Tarek had filed for spousal support.

You’d think a man who owned half of a yacht wouldn’t need spousal support, but hey, gun fetishes don’t come cheap!

Just remember, if you’re feeling down about your divorce, at least you don’t have to argue about who gets the Sea Ray Sundancer for the Catalina Wine Mixer.

It’s not a true celebrity divorce unless the nanny’s involved

Following in the footsteps of Ben Affleck, Jude Law, and Gavin Rossdale, Tarek announced a relationship with the family nanny. Not to worry though, he fired her and waited until after the LAPD landed a helicopter on his front lawn before going public.

And remember the contractor who called 9-1-1 during the police altercation? He actually works with the El Moussas on Flip or Flop, and in this bizarro fairytale, he’s the man Christina decided should be her rebound.

It’s not clear exactly when Tarek and Christina invited the family nanny and the longtime employee into their drama, but it’s safe to assume the Flip or Flop set got awkward.

What did we learn?

Here we are, recapping the undoing of a family unit and all we can focus on is how to use “Flip or Flop” to joke about the El Moussa’s marriage.

Maybe we’ve consumed just a few too many hit pieces off the ol’ gossip rag, but hope is not lost for you. If you need a divorce lawyer, keep in mind that we don’t jest out of callousness.

Our quips are merely meant to remind you that things could be much worse. You could be divorcing a spouse who laid waste to the multi-million dollar TV empire you built together to be with a longtime family friend and employee.

And hey, if that is your situation, we’re pretty sure we can work the Catalina Wine Mixer into your deal.

Contact us today to find out how.