Just the other day, the partners were passing the time with one of our favorite lunchtime activities: playing devil’s advocate for some of Hollywood’s most dramatic legal cases.
Doing so made us realize just how absurd 2016 has been thus far, and we started ranking our favorite courtroom appearances by celebrities from the past year.
After a heated debate, we decided to exclude mother-of-two Blac Chyna getting arrested for public intoxication and drug possession, Dr. (Snakeoil) Oz being sued for calling olive oil imports “fraudulent,” and Dennis Quaid’s third-time’s-a-charm divorce. What was left were seven stories that we can all agree made our daily grinds just a little bit sillier.
7. After six years of dating, their marriage didn’t even last a third as long
Why Brangelina?! You were our paragons of hope in love everlasting. Why did you dash it against the rocky foundation of your French chateau? We won’t be getting answers until after Brad has finished “recovering” in the $34,000/night villa in Turks and Caicos where he was last spotted.
6. In Rio, Ryan Lochte wins the gold medal for buffoonery
Even if we were allowed to act as your attorney, we wouldn’t have a lot of legal defenses in our repertoire for vandalizing and urinating on public property and then blaming it on local law enforcement. Our Speedos go off to the Olympic swimmer’s attorneys; it would be easier to represent Scotland’s mythical Nessie than Ryan the Lochmess monster.
5. Hulk “Let me tell you something, brother” Hogan and his sex tape run Gawker out of town
What a time to be alive. This year a popular news website picked a fight with a WWE superstar by posting his leaked sex tape -- a move which ultimately led to a lawsuit funded by a tech billionaire who’s now an executive for the president-elect’s transition team. Land of the free, home of the vengeful lawsuit we guess. The website, Gawker, couldn’t survive Hogan’s $115-million suplex and declared bankruptcy after the case ended in March.
4. When you’re out of options, blame the lawyers
A client suing an attorney is about as shameful as an Amish schoolteacher fixing a mechanic's car. 50 Cent, or Fiddy as our intern calls him, claimed his lawyers were careless and apathetic during his bankruptcy hearings last year. So this year, the rapper (whose name reflects his net worth) demanded a $14.5 million settlement out of his attorney, and won. Shysters the world over stared into the distance and whispered “ouroboros.”
3. A reality star and her athlete-with-a-rap-sheet hubby finally divorce
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom first filed for a divorce in December of 2013, but didn’t finalize the paperwork until the end of this year. The divorce was withdrawn by Kardashian #5 (based on Google’s ranking) after Odom overdosed on “virtually every drug imaginable.” So, three years after saying “I don’t,” the two legally separated upon his recovery in October 2016.
2. An engagement and an...unengagement(?) in under ten months
Mariah Carey called off her engagement to “lying opportunist” James Packer amid accusations that the billionaire Scientologist forced Mariah to leave New York so he could be near his kids. Mariah says the move, and the mysterious financial promises she claims Mr. Packer made, entitle her to $50 million (even though they never married).
1. “That is why Australia has to have such strong biosecurity laws”
In what looked more like a speech from high school debate students than two critically acclaimed actors, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard publicly apologized for bringing their two Yorkshire Terriers into Australia without proper declaration and quarantine. The hostage-reading-from-the-cards awkwardness will put smiles on our faces for years to come.
The year has almost come to a close, dear readers, and what a delightful twelve months it’s been. Heading into 2017 we’ve got our money on more trouble in tinseltown, and the team at Buckingham, Lagrandeur & Williams is committed to bringing you every last scrap of schadenfreude to soothe your weary souls.
Oh, and don’t forget, savage celebrity judgment isn’t our day job; we also practice law sometimes.