Divorce is rarely as simple as hitting the “unfollow” button or throwing out one’s spouse’s stuff out of the house. In any case, for some time now, the phrase “Divorce him!” has become the snappy advice given to anyone who experiences bumps in any relationship.
Did he forget to buy milk? Divorce him!
Does he leave his dirty clothes on the floor? Divorce him!
This kind of advice is often given playfully, and sure, it can feel cathartic for both givers and receivers of advice. But when taken seriously, it wildly oversimplifies the complexities of relationships, marriage, and divorce. Ending a marriage is a major life decision that impacts both parties legally, financially, and emotionally.
Let’s talk about some of the worst divorce advice floating out there and why you should ignore any or all of them.
“Divorce him!” is the Internet’s favorite one-size-fits-all advice
First of all, we hope you — or anyone you know — aren’t relying on strangers on the internet for relationship, marriage, or divorce advice. Otherwise, you might end up taking guidance from a self-proclaimed relationship guru who dishes out advice willy-nilly.
Take “Divorce him!” for instance. It has become the knee-jerk, reflexive response to any difficulties in a relationship. But like most things online, you should take it with a grain of salt. A blanket advice cannot consider the nuances of real relationships and the minutiae of marriage.
Divorce is more than just a decoupling of two people. It also involves untangling finances, reviewing co-parenting arrangements, and going through legal proceedings. Online commenters don’t know your mortgage situation, child custody concerns, or whether your spouse is making a genuine effort to work things out.
If you’re in an abusive, unhealthy marriage, then it’s important to seek emotional and legal support. But if your biggest relationship problem is that your spouse doesn’t peel oranges for you, then the solution isn’t divorce: it’s a trip to IKEA or Target.
“Next time, you’ll get it right” treats love like trial and error
This advice assumes that marriage is a game of trial and error — if your marriage turns out to be a mistake, get a divorce and try again! But it’s not that simple. Just like no two people are exactly the same, no two relationships are the same. Getting a divorce doesn’t guarantee you’ll “get it right” next time.
According to available data from the US Census, first marriages have a 50% divorce rate; second marriages, on the other hand, have a higher divorce rate of 60%. We’re no experts, but we suspect this is because people often don’t take the time to address the root causes of their past conflicts.
In other words, obsessing with “getting it right” on your next go-round might not be the best approach. Instead, understand why your marriage didn’t work and learn from it, regardless of whether there’s another marriage for you in the future or not.
“Wait until the children have moved out of the house” can do more harm than good
Another common yet flawed piece of advice is to delay divorce until the children are all grown up. The thinking behind it is that children will suffer less if their parents stay together until they are old enough to leave the house.
But here’s the deal: children are fairly perceptive and can sense when their parents are unhappy or are fighting, even when the parents hide their conflict from them. A couple having conflicts produces either a tense or an emotionally distant atmosphere in the home, and this can be as harmful to the children as experiencing their parents go through a divorce.
Staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children also sets a poor example of what a healthy relationship looks like. Children learn about love, respect, and true partnership through their parents’ example. Witnessing a dysfunctional relationship may lead children to internalize dysfunctional patterns that they’ll bring to their future relationships.
Of course, divorce is never easy on the children. But if both parents can agree to cooperate in co-parenting, keep open communication with their kids, and provide support, then their children can adapt and even thrive after their parents separate. In divorce math, two happy homes are better than one unhappy one.
The best advice? Consult a professional
While your family, friends, and even the internet have plenty to say (and meme) regarding whether you should consider divorce, the best piece of advice you’ll get is from professionals who understand family law. At LaGrandeur & Williams, we’ve helped countless couples in Western Washington deal with divorce. To summarize: when it comes to divorce decisions, don’t seek advice from non-lawyer relationship experts but with actual lawyers. Contact us today.