Imagine discovering your spouse’s infidelity — your trust and heart are shattered, and you feel an immediate urge to retaliate. But guided by the old adage, "Revenge is a dish best served cold," you decide to wait until your initial rage subsides before making a move. This classic scenario begs the question: Does a spouse's betrayal justify misbehavior in return?
This is the situation a Slate reader found herself in after her fiancé learned she had cheated on him. First, he turned his anger on the woman’s affair partner, calling him racist slurs and threatening him with physical harm. But when she called her fiancé out, he lashed out at her for defending the affair and called her a “slut.” Even now, she still has trouble reconciling his bad behavior, and she asks: Should he have a free pass because she cheated on him?
The short answer is no. The long answer is that it’s slightly complicated. It’s time to unpack this issue.
Infidelity and Washington State law: Not the plot twist you’d hope
Let’s take a look at the case through the lens of Washington State laws (because why not?).
Because Washington is a no-fault divorce state, you can file for divorce without having to prove any wrongdoing, such as, for example, your partner’s infidelity. You only need to declare that your marriage is “irretrievably broken.” For those who were hoping to “win” in a divorce because their spouse cheated, the no-fault grounds on divorce may put a damper on your plan to seek retribution.
In some states, cheating impacts the division of assets or alimony. But in Washington, the court generally doesn’t care about who did what in the bedroom. What matters is ensuring a fair division of property while prioritizing the well-being of the children.
So, if you’re in a no-fault divorce state, remember this: your spouse may break your heart, but their cheating may not necessarily break their bank account.
But can you still misbehave if your spouse cheated?
Most people feel emotionally justified to lash out, whether by starting their own affair or moving on quickly by any means. While the law does not have a "revenge clause,” it’s understandable to be hurt; but your actions and behavior still matter, especially in divorce proceedings with child custody involved.
Tit-for-tat infidelity or messy public disputes don’t impress judges much. Instead, they look for stability when custody is on the line. So before you go off the rails and drain your joint bank account or set your partner’s entire wardrobe on fire, keep this in mind: instead of “getting even,” you’re giving the other side ammunition.
We family lawyers have seen firsthand how clients who are otherwise sympathetic lose credibility (and, at times, custody) because they couldn’t help but “misbehave back.”
What can you do instead?
Feeling betrayed and want to hit back? We get it. But instead of sabotaging your case (and your peace of mind), why not consider the following:
- Talk to a lawyer first instead of talking to your ex (or worse, their new flame).
- Avoid any form of retaliation, especially in ways that leave a paper trail or impact your kids (if you have any).
- Document facts, not feelings. Financial misbehavior? Parenting issues? Keep detailed accounts. They’ll help build your case.
Above all, remember this: divorce isn’t about revenge; it’s about resolution.
The final verdict
Your cheating spouse may have violated your trust, but it doesn’t mean the legal system will hand you a “get out of jail free” pass for bad behavior. In a no-fault divorce state, cheating won’t guarantee you’ll “win” the divorce. Worse, retaliating may cost you more than it's worth.
Forget about plotting a payback. Let an experienced family law firm like LaGrandeur & Williams help you protect your rights and peace of mind. In this emotionally explosive period, what you need is astute legal advice. Contact us today.