Have you heard of quiet quitting? It may sound like something you do at a workplace, but it also applies to hobbies, friendships, and, yes, marriages.
Quiet quitting is when someone emotionally checks out while physically staying in the relationship. No storming out, no slamming doors.
But does quiet quitting help a struggling marriage, or does it only delay the inevitable?
How does one “quietly quit” a spouse?
Quiet quitting happens in subtle shifts. First comes emotional withdrawal: conversations with the spouse are reduced, and you generally start paying attention to them less and less.
Then, physical withdrawal: spouses have separate bedrooms and vacations, and they keep a polite distance from one another, like neighbors waving across the yard, if they can be bothered to do so.
Eventually, the marriage morphs into a relationship of logistics: Who picks up the kids? Did the package arrive? Why is the dog eating socks again?
Some call it “going zombie” in the relationship. Often, there’s no malice intended. One partner decides to quit because of exhaustion, disappointment, or some other reason. But they stay because divorce is too expensive and disruptive.
Did Gwyneth Paltrow come up with this phrase?
She and Chris Martin are famous for introducing the term “conscious uncoupling” when they separated in 2014.
But quiet quitting? According to The Guardian’s explainer on quiet divorce, this behavior is ancient and “probably as old as marriage itself.” The explainer notes that couples have been emotionally checking out for centuries; we just finally slapped a buzzword on it.
So no, Paltrow didn’t coin the term. But if she launches a candle called Eau de Quiet Divorce, nobody would be surprised.
Pros and cons of quietly quitting a spouse
If quietly quitting your spouse appeals to you, bear in mind that — like quietly quitting a job or anything in life, really — it comes with pros and cons.
The supposed advantages
It’s a neutral state between staying and leaving. Several women have reported being less disappointed when they lowered their expectations.
Focusing on themselves have also allowed them to pursue their own interests and live a life separate from the marriage. These wives are presumably greatly relieved at no longer pretending to be thrilled to watch football with their husbands or having to deal with their hubbies’ buddies.
Another reason to quietly quit one’s marriage instead of divorcing is that imperfect timing tends to discourage divorce. If the kids are still too young or finances are unstable, staying married might seem attractive, at least in the meantime.
And, in the short term, it does avoid conflict. No custody discussions, no asset division, no awkward announcement that inevitably triggers 47 follow-up questions from relatives.
The real downsides
But the disadvantages stack up quickly.
A quiet divorce is “resigned unhappiness,” a long-term emotional freeze that can drain a person’s sense of self.
There are psychological costs women experience when they live in a marriage but feel absent from it. They may feel loneliness or they may suffer stress-related health concerns to a creeping sense of living two separate lives.
There are legal risks too. Important decisions involving finances and property are put on hold. And refusing to prepare for a future separation may put one spouse at a disadvantage later.
It gets even more complicated when the partner being quietly quit on has no idea. There are stories of husbands blindsided by divorce because they misread emotional withdrawal as their spouse going through “a rough patch.”
Silence may keep the peace temporarily, but it rarely builds a healthier marriage.
Family lawyers’ take
Quiet quitting is not a solution; it’s putting a pause on everything. But a limbo state doesn’t address financial rights, nor does it encourage long-term planning. Even the emotional well-being of either spouse is on hold.
When quiet quitters eventually approach LaGrandeur & Williams, they realize that they should have legally protected themselves years ago. Because if they did, they could have received information that would have empowered them to choose thoughtfully between repairing the marriage or preparing for separation.
And, more importantly, meeting with a lawyer doesn’t trigger divorce. It simply gives clarity. You’re not required to announce or file anything.
Is your marriage fading? Don’t drift silently in unhappiness. Consult our legal experts on your rights and options. You deserve a louder, clearer life.